rockman = not mine
another 'iris'-induced fic by Shi...
hospital emergency rooms are extremely bad for one's concentration. i knew I should have written this last night when I was actually inspired.
think 'i' meets 'us after this', and you have...a mess. a lot of it is random thought; might be hard to follow...gomen ^^;; some avril lavigne lyrics managed to sneak in there too, they aren't mine either.
....I laugh myself to sleep, it's my lullaby...
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
in the corner of my mind there is a soft light that draws me.
i paint a picture like a rainbow, a wave, succulent strawberries, lemons pears blueberries--perhaps I'm hungry--such like, and deeper shades of blue and blue and blue--the color is comforting. i was once...what? somewhere other than this.
Alone in my room, I often write. These days it's barely coherent, like a piece of cloud that I've tried to grab, it slips through my fingers--a result of time and a bond that cannot be broken.
I wonder if he would try to break it, if it could be done.
"He" is my partner, my friend...my long lost twin brother who lives only within my mind. Once we were siblings, now we are the same person. It is days like this that I dread the most, when our thoughts mix, and I can no longer tell which are his and which are mine. I can only cling to memories of what I once knew, and a role I once played in his life.
Roles. I am the actor now, and he the audience. Though we are both experienced liars, and hardened with an ever-present degree of suspicion, somehow we mix to make a lunacy that cannot be cured. I go about our daily life, moving through the motions, but it's all fake. I do not play the part as well as he, and he is too weary to carry us both.
Poetry has led me to metaphors, but there was a very real story behind our joining.
My brother and I long ago shared a link that surpassed that of any other set of twins. We were more than siblings--we were partners; Operator and Navi, brothers, and best friends. Thanks to a DNA link between us, we shared everything the other felt.
Do you envy us? It was the best thing that had ever happened to me, at first. My best friend was connected to my mind in a way no one else could ever duplicate.
But nothing good is consequence-free.
Father said that the mind link was the sacrifice that we had to make to defeat the World Three. It was no burden at first--it was welcome. But there was a price to be paid as well for that link that brought us together.
Our thoughts began to mix.
At the beginning it was small things. We would often say the same thing at the same time, or think of a similar plan. He was--no, I was reckless. He kept me out of trouble, he was levelheaded and smart. It was wonderful to have him, when we had spent so many years in ignorance of our siblinghood. And even when we realized what was happening to us, he convinced me not to say.
"They'd think I was crazy," he'd scoffed, "and they'd try to figure out how to take us apart. Or just put us in some hospital." That was what he was like; he always had to do things on his own. So we went ahead and let it happen...and when the time finally came that he had faltered enough to lose an essential part of us, it was too late to go back. That small blue Navi's body was deleted in a moment of hesitance, and part of us went with it. We never really knew which part.
We were sixteen at the time, and the destruction of the Navi side of us sent us into a downward spiral. Two minds, however similar, could not occupy the same space, and we fought. I never wanted to force him out--he was my brother, after all, and it was my fault for convincing him not to tell Papa when we first began to merge. I thought I could handle it, and he didn't really have a choice. He was stranded in my mind, whether he liked it or not.
"And so our thoughts began to blend even more. His gentle personality grew more bold, his speech roughened. I began to consider things more carefully, in particular our ability to balance this life we were now sharing. I had thought I had everything worked out, but--"
"Netto, it's time for your checkup." Father's voice cuts into my thoughts, and I realize that one of us has been speaking aloud.
How careless of me! "Yes," I say simply, and follow him down to the car. I try to keep our talking to a minimum, though occasionally I cannot stop his from leaking out. While we drive I idly think of more poetry, and wonder if my twin is listening to my thoughts. Even Father could not be told what had happened to us; the blame lay squarely on our heads, though he would certainly try to take it himself. He was not at fault for creating our link. "We can take care of ourselves," I say softly as I am led into the clinic. Papa does not hear.
-Damn, I thought this was over with No such luck... It's been a while, Rock-
The doctor I am used to by now, and I nod in greeting when I enter and try to push that other consciousness away. She returns the greeting and we sit down, not meeting each others' eyes.
"How have you been, Netto-kun?" she asks gently. "Have you been taking your medication?"
"Yes," I answer simply, though it's a lie. We don't need the prescription--what we are isn't curable.
"Calm today," Father remarks. I am trying my hardest to play the part of the old Netto, the cheerful, easygoing one, but he does not come naturally to me. The closest I can manage is an eerie calmness that clearly unsettles the doctor.
"How long has he been acting like this?" she asks Papa over my head.
I hold back a spark of anger. My twin is lurking now, his mild personality forced back by my sudden annoyance for the doctor. "Don't talk about me like I'm not here."
The smile on her face is almost predatory, and I realize that I am only giving her what she wants. "I'm so sorry, Netto-kun. Have you been feeling more like yourself lately?"
"Yes," I answer sourly.
"I'm going to ask you some questions then. How's school been?"
"Fine. It's fine." Does she think we're stupid? I know how she works.
"And your friends? Meiru-chan and Dekao-kun? Yaito-chan?"
"Do you see them often?"
"Yeah." I do not mention how often Meiru and I fight lately, mostly because of my mood swings. That's none of her business.
"Do you think about your Navi a lot?"
About Rockman? The memory of him is so faint now that it is difficult to recall. We have been....joined...for so long that the Navi form was unnecessary.
I miss him...I miss that body, those emerald eyes. I wouldn't let Papa create a new Frame. What would go into it?
The essence had been taken from him long ago. When he was deleted he had only been a puppet; a shadow of his former self. I could not keep him alive no matter how hard I tried.
Unshed tears well up quickly in my eyes, and I force them back. What is done is done. We cannot change the past now, no matter what we do.
"Lost him again. Always when I ask about the Navi..."
"He and Rock were very close."
I wonder what things would have been like if we hadn't turned out this way. What if there was no Rockman, and just two normal boys? Perhaps the Net would be under the control of the WWW or Gospel now--and that's not an equal exchange for the happiness of two teenagers. "Yeah...everyone's better off this way."
I realize that I've gone off on a tangent. "What? Are you talking to me?"
She sighs. "I'm just trying to understand what you're thinking. Do you remember what you were thinking about?"
I shake my head. "I...no, I'm confused right now. Sorry."
"Are you having trouble remembering things, Netto-kun?"
"Don't call me that..."
"What do you want me to call you?"
"Sai--Sait..." the words twist in my mouth. No, I can't tell her that! Don't say it, she'll think we're nuttier than before. "Then what?"
"Netto. Just Netto," he finally stammers, and I am pushed back again.
"Okay, Netto." She looks dubious--does she recognize what I had been trying to say? -I'm sorry, Netto-kun, I didn't mean to. It's okay. We're lucid, for the moment...I hate this lady, she's so nosy.-
"I want to go home," I say. -Netto-kun... What? No complaints here. No, I just thought...you, can you talk to her instead? I don't like her either...-
"You havn't been here very long. What was that you were just saying? About your name?"
-Good going, Rock. I didn't mean to... Never mind that. Don't answer her. I'll do it. -
"Nothing." A sullen look spreads across his face and he raises an eyebrow. "Just thinking out loud. Can I go now?"
She stares at him and makes a note in her little book. "I want you to tell me about your brother." -What? How did she know about me? Well I guess Papa said something... What should we say? What does she want us to say?-
-I guess you could just tell her a little Why do I have to tell her? It's your body Ours Netto-kun... Bah, I don't see why we need her anyway, if we could just control these little outbursts Netto-kun? we wouldn't have to put up with her Netto-kun! What?-
-If you'd stop running off I wouldn't need to do this! I know you don't mean it But... Rock, you have to understand, I can't control it anymore There has to be something we can do...-
-I can't help it. I'm disappearing, Rock. There isn't a way for us both to be there.-
-But I don't know how to get out!-
-I'm sorry...I'm trying...together forever, right?-
"I'm sorry, Hikari-san. It seems that whenever I hit on something important he just ignores me."
"It's all right, Doctor. I'm sure he'll snap out of it in a while." Gently he tugs on my arm and, still distracted by my conversation with Netto, I rise. "We'll make another appointment."
"All right. Good-bye, Hikari-san. Good-bye, Netto-kun."
"See you again, Doctor."
-Stay with me, Oniichan Yeah...I'm with you-
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please